This Week in Tools, Week One

This week in tools is a special spotlight on a tool, one who has been making headlines for quite a few months already:

Freddie Thompson

Freddie “Fred” Thompson is running for the Republican nomination for president. While this alone pushes quite a few steps towards tooldom, Freddie is a special case. Why, you might ask, should Freddie Thompson be picked out from the vast red sea and picked apart in such a merciless fashion?

Simply put, he’s ruining America.

I can already hear the chorus of Freddie fans screaming out! “No, he’s a very qualified candidate. He was in the Senate for eight years! He worked on Watergate! He’s been a district attorney since 2002.”

These are legitimate claims. And true, he does have experience in the Senate, but according to pundits his time there was spent mainly goofing off and not doing jack shit. He didn’t do anything.

True, there have been many boozing losers in the Senate (Ted Kennedy, anyone?) but most of them tended to get a lot of stuff done while being blitzed out of their mind and fondling young girls (Ted Kennedy, anyone?). I don’t think Thompson even tried.

Now, I do have a list of concerns I have with Freddie boy, and here they are:

1. His resume reads like a conservative play book. Seriously, this guy has done nothing but kiss party ass for years. I’m not going to beat around the bush (get it?) here and say that I’m bipartisan or any other crap. I am liberal on most issues, and definitely on the ones that matter to me. That said, I can respect some Republicans and conservatives, but the problem I have with Freddie is that his conservativeness comes out only when he’s positioning himself for a run. He is shallow and see through.

2. He left the senate to act in Law and Order. Does anyone still even watch Law and Order?

3. He’s convinced people he’s a legitimate choice for a presidential nominee. No offense meant, (Actually, screw you Freddie) but your at best tepid work in the government for the past few years pretty much sucks.

4. He was a lobbyist. Now, I’m sure at some point I’ll have some sort of rant on lobbyists, so I don’t want to steal my own thunder, but lobbyists rank just slightly above cockroaches in the hierarchy of life. Would you elect a cockroach to be president? No, you wouldn’t.

Anyway, that wraps up my spotlight on Freddie, but I do have an honorable mention or two to hand out this week.

First up:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad is the current President of Iran. This week he was giving a speech at Columbia, followed by a speech at the U.N. Besides saying that the Holocaust is just a theory, he also said:

In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country.

Thanks, Ahmadinejad. Luckily, the Pentagon has just the bomb for your country: The Gay Bomb.

To be fair, Ahmadinejad did call President Bush retarded, so he’s not a total tool. Just almost. (Note to Bush: If someone like Ahmadinejad is calling you retarded, you may want to seek professional help. Or else just shove him and say "Nu-uh. You smell!" because that is what diplomacy has apparently devolved into these days.)

Second this week:

Heroes

I quite enjoy heroes. I watched the first season, and was there for the premier this week, but I do have one thing to say:

“Ohmigod, I get the ROGUE!”

Now, product placement has been bad with Heroes in the past (I’m looking at you, Hiro Nakamora) but this was over the top. It was almost as bad as the “Where’d you get that shredder?” “Staples.” Exchange in last season’s the Office. The difference is that the Office than followed it up with a great joke riffing on their own product placement. Heroes followed it up with two solid minutes of Nissan Rogue commercials.

Well, that’s it for This Week in Tools. Let me know what you think, and this series will be back next Wednesday, before midnight.