December Activities

Hello faithful reader!

Currently I am working on applications to grad schools. Top among my choices are Northwestern, the University of Florida at Gainsville, and a few other schools. Needless to say this is taking some time and energy.

Also, my interwebs here are slower than I'm used to, so I tend to get upset when I am applying because of the frustration cause by being stuck in 1995. So, I probably won't post much until I am back at school, but next semester promises to have very little to do with actual school work, so I don't think I'll be too hard pressed to write on here more frequently than recently.

Also, starting next year I will be doing a new project called "A story a week" or something like it. The basic premise is for the entire next year, every Friday I will publish a new short story online, on another blog I will link to when I create it. Each will be original, and none will be written before January 1st, although due to travel plans if I have downtime I will write some ahead of the week right before they would be posted. The goal is to have 52 working short stories at the end of the year. It's an intimidating goal, but I hope it will work.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll try and post again before Christmas.

Dude!

Dude!

Do what now?

The movie The Golden Compass is coming out soon, and I wasn't sure what to think. Sure, I read the books, and for a couple years I always thought that an American movie studio could never make the trilogy into a movie because it was a little more adult than children's book. Also one of the big bads is God.

So, I noticed some controversy, and that the Catholic league was still complaining. They then said this:

The US Conference of Catholic Bishops however has been more nuanced in its approach warning in a review of "The Golden Compass" of its "anti-clerical subtext, standard genre occult elements, character born out of wedlock, a whiskey-guzzling bear."

Wait, what?

A whiskey-guzzling bear!

Yes, that's right. I'm sold. ALl you need to say is whiskey guzzling bear and I've got my milk duds and am on the front row.

Now you've done it

Sick. No posts until better.

November 25, 2007

During the 1960s the Cultural Revolution led to widespread activism by the Chinese youth. In the 1980s, both university and secondary students were heavily involved (if not the driving force) of the pro-Democracy Movement. In both of these major events in modern Chinese history, students were integral players in the political scene with or without state support. Students actions led to reforms and repercussions felt throughout China in both the 1960s and the 1980s. These two movements, while centering on youth activism, had many differences in their actions and results.

No More Office

I found this on another website, I just thought you guys might enjoy it.

From a source close to "The Office" --

The Office has shut down for good. Around 2:00 pm Tuesday. The crew has been asked back Wednesday to strike the location, but there will be no more shooting. This is thanks to a complete staff picket from 4:15 am to 3:00 Monday (when they called the day) and 6:45 am Tuesday until they shut it down. It is also thanks to a number of WGAmebers/actors making principled stands and not reporting to work.

Additionally, I've been told that Steve Carell informed NBC he is unable to report to work because he is suffering from “enlarged balls.” Not just enlarged, I'd say, but brass ones. The source on this one adds, "We wish him a happy, slow recovery."

Now for something completely different

So, I think I'm done with the screen play for USC. I finished it two minutes before posting this. I might add two more scenes before the last one, but I love how a cold ending would be on the line I have, so that is the end. There just might be more denoument.

Night.

November News

Hey gang,

This next week or two or three I probably won't post a whole lot. If I get inspired I might, but as it stands I am trying to finish a screenplay I needed to finish a month ago, then I have to write a play, then I have to write a senior research project. So, yeah, don't expect much.

No, unacceptable

So, I was reading the yahoo headlines when I came across a story that said Santas were being encouraged to say "Ha, ha, ha" instead of the traditional "ho, ho, ho." This was because "it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute."

This is just another chance for thos leftist P.C. nazis (not the ones from Call of Duty, the ones from political correctness) to try and sabotage Christmas.

It's time to take a stand. I'm going to be a Santa for Christmas and use the ultra-traditional "whore, whore, whore," which as we all know is German for laughter.

Merry Christmas.

New National record!

So, this just in, the U.S. set a new record!

More than 1 million cases of chlamydia were reported in the United States last year — the most ever reported for a sexually transmitted disease, federal health officials said Tuesday.

Go, U.S. I knew we could win at everything.

New blog

You might have noticed that I have a list of blogs and comics I like over there on your right. I recently added my brother's blog "Read Now, Play Later" and really enjoy it. You should check it out.

No appologies

So, I went to my modern China IR class today, and got there late while they were discussing the news, and Dr. King said something about if we knew what was going on.

We then had this exchange:

Dr. King: There's been some fighting in Gaza strip.
(Long Pause.)
Me, sarcastically: Really?
Dr. King: It was the celebration of Afarat's death. Apparently there was some kind of party, then they started shooting each other.
Me: Wouldn't be a party, otherwise.

I'm not really sure why I felt like showing up five minutes late entitled me to be a saracstic asshole, but I was.

Nowhere to be found

Sorry I've been absent from my blogging duties. I had a crazy busy week culminating in taking the GRE. I then, as a reward for kicking the GRE's ass, purchased Call of Duty 4, the sequal to Call of Duty 2, kind of.

And that's pretty much what I've been doing since... mixed with some Buffy.

So, sometime soon I'll hopefully blog a little more, but as it is I am working more on getting through school and going to Grad School (yay, more school.) Anyway, I'll post something new soon.

NaNoWriMo

MK is weird. This is what she just IMed me. Time stamp and all.

MK (1:17:33 PM): HEAAAAART OF A LIIIIIIOOOOOO
MK (1:17:34 PM): N
MK (1:17:37 PM): AND THE WIIIIIINGS OF A BAT
MK(1:17:41 PM): BECAUSE, IT'S MIDNITE

I was going to write about NaNoWriMo, but I got destracted, so I didn't. That about sums it up, anyway.

No more October! I mean, Susan!

Sorry about not posting all last week. I've been both busy and sleepy. I feel better now, but I still am tired a lot of the time. Anyway, I probably won't have a blog up until Tuesday, 'cause I have the GRE then and part of a play due Tuesday as well. Wish me luck.

Our Zombie Policy

This is the Hendrix Policy regarding Zombies. I was on the Zombie creation committee that formed it.

Undead Student Affairs

ZOMBIE INFECTION

In the case of an infection, classes will be canceled immediately. RAs will provide students with guidance, but students are reminded to stay clear of people showing wounds or visibly stumbling. Due to the walking dead’s (hereafter referred to as “zombie”) desire for brains, Hendrix College’s safe point will be Martin hall. RAs will be there for guidance. Best case scenario, the school will be cleared and everyone can return to their normal lives in short order.

In event of zombie infection, the new H-Alert system is designed to inform students of the varying levels of threats.

H-Alert Codes

Zombie Level Four: This is the least severe alert. This means that a positive case has been identified within the continental United States. Students should not be alarmed, but should be cautious when dealing with strangers especially on party nights or Martin at any time.

Zombie Level Three: This alert level signifies that there has been a positive case within Faulkner County. Students are required to stay in their rooms until further notice. RAs will be updating students, but all students should require vocal assurance that the outsider is not a zombie. At this point classes are canceled until further notice.

Zombie Level Two: This alert level indicates that either someone on campus has been confirmed. Classes are canceled immediately, and everyone is to report back to their rooms. Like Zombie Level Three: RAs will insure that students are alright and provide updates. Students are reminded that concealing bites or friends with bites is both a federal offense and a violation of college policy, equivalent of a Major Alcohol Violation.

Zombie Level One: This alert signifies that Hendrix or Conway has been at least partially overrun by zombies. Hendrix encourages safe travel back home, and will be providing as much support as possible on the top floors of Martin, Couch, and Galloway. Students are urged to travel with caution and avoid major roads or large groups of people. (If one or all of these buildings is overrun, alternates will be sent via H-Alert.

ZOMBIE EMERGENCY RESPONSE

In case of more severe outbreaks; the school will be closed until further notice. Transport will be provided, but as clusters of people are easy targets, we recommend securing your own mode of transport home. Hendrix recommends students pair off or get into groups between three and six and locate a vehicle for emergency, but we recommend not having any more people per vehicle than there are doors. Cars with sun roofs are discouraged. Hendrix recommends staying away from interstates as congestion and large amounts of humans make these waiting disaster areas.

If escape from campus is impossible, the ideal locations for waiting for emergency response are the top floors of each building. Staff will be there to barricade the stairs within an hour of an H-alert being issued dealing with zombies. Each student is encouraged to bring a supply of non-perishable goods with them to the safe areas, as Hendrix cannot guarantee that food services will continue to operate during a zombie outbreak.

hENDRIX POLICY REGARDING ZOMBIES

It is Hendrix policy, as well as federal law (Zombie Registration Act 2003,) that anyone bit or injured by a suspicious character must report to a designated observation facility until testing can confirm infection. Health Services is equipped with both holding and testing facilities.

While Hendrix encourages activism and is an all-inclusive institution, it is college policy that zombies are not allowed on campus, regardless of their containment level. Those found to be in support of zombies will face disciplinary action. Hendrix reminds everyone that zombies are not alive (see ZRA 2003, amendment 1490) and Hendrix is supported by federal law in its discrimination of the undead (Amendments 130a and 2011, and ZRA 2003 Section II.)

Anyone found harboring a bite victim will be immediately expelled from the school after confirmation of no infection. Public Safety has been trained in the disposal of zombies harbored by students.

Hendrix policy also prohibits ‘zombie paraphernalia’, including, but not limited to: hands, feet, eyes and teeth of zombies. Possession will result in at least a two year suspension and reporting to the proper authorities.

ORLY?

So, I was perusing the Yahoo front page, which is what I do when I'm bored and Qwantz hasn't updated yet, when I noticed this right middle:



Now, I'm a Steve Irwin fan. I never watched his show, but I heard him made fun of many times while I was growing up, and I have to say, he seemed like a cool guy. I mean, the guy wrestled with crocs and stuff, so he's gotta be cool.

But, I want you to notice something; it says that he believed his life would be cut short by something. Then, and this is the kicker, the sub headline is 'a real sixth sense.'

Really?

The guy who wrestled crocs and battled sharks with his bare hands guessing that he would probably not die in his sleep is "a sixth sense"? Come on.

Also... in honor of zombie week, we have zombie Steve Irwin:


P.S.: I originally read it, I thought it said "he believed his WIFE would be cut short by something and thought how cruel was this man to think something would cut his wife short.... then I found my mistake.

OH NOES THERE IT WENT

Finished the paper. Woot.

In other news, a boy in Wisconsin... Michigan... I guess, shot at a football game that was going on. Like with guns. He injured a few people, it was really sad and all, but what I noticed was what the Police cheif said:

"It was kind of a kid thing," Cliff said. "One makes the other one mad, and (one) goes and gets a gun."

A kid thing?

OH NOES HERE IT COMES

NATIONAL ZOMBIE AWARENESS WEEK STARTS TODAY

I will hopefully post some useful zombie avoidance information later tonight or tomorrow, but as of now I am writing a 15 page paper due at four tomorrow, and I have 2.5 pages.

Good luck, me.

Opening in every city tomorrow

I would like to remind everyone that tomorrow is the start of National Zombie Awareness Week. In honor of that I am showing this video which references the UFC. Enjoy. Oh, Later I will have some pointers on getting ready for NZAW 2007.

Opportunities for success!

I have some life goals I want to share with you. This is a work in progress, but tonight I'm going to give you a sample of three:

1. Pull open the blinds and scare the poo out of a kid. (Poo optional.) I've always wanted to be that creepy guy that scares kids on the street. Hopefully this goal will get easier as I get older.

2. Win an election. I have lost elections for Senior Class Treasurer, Freshman Rep, Hardin Hall Rep, Intramurals rep, Politcs Rep, and Vice President of the Senate. I would like to eventually win something. We'll see.

3. Finish this list. And this screenplay for USC. Both of these will happen soon.

Order, Law and

Oo, Emm, Gee, guys

So... I don't really have anything to write about today. Oh, nevermind, I forgot about Robot Sex.

David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlends told some people, as part of his, I believe, doctoral disertation that Robots would not only become advanced enough to make the beast with two backs, but would also legally be allowed to marry humans in Massachusetts by 2050.

I'm not kidding you.

My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," artificial intelligence researcher Levy told LiveScience. Levy recently completed his Ph.D. work on the subject of human-robot relationships, covering many of the privileges and practices that generally come with marriage as well as outside of it.

I wanted to make some ridiculing statements, but then Levy did it for me:

There's a trend of robots becoming more human-like in appearance and coming more in contact with humans," Levy said. "At first robots were used impersonally, in factories where they helped build automobiles, for instance. Then they were used in offices to deliver mail, or to show visitors around museums, or in homes as vacuum cleaners, such as with the Roomba. Now you have robot toys, like Sony's Aibo robot dog, or Tickle Me Elmos, or digital pets like Tamagotchis."

In his thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," Levy conjectures that robots will become so human-like in appearance, function and personality that many people will fall in love with them, have sex with them and even marry them.

He also forsees robot sex within the next five years.

I... I rust don't know what to say. But let me be the first to call the next development in this:

Oops, it's thursday

I ended up being stuck in meetings all night when I was planning on posting. As a reward I'm giving you this video:

Props go to MK of Iron Wrought Wysteria for pointing this out to me the other day. It is pretty much the best ever.

Also, this week in tools... how does everyone feel? I think it's kind of fallen flat. Opinions? Should I keep doing it? Let me know.

In other news, a friendly reminder that National Zombie Awareness week starts on Susan 25, which is just over a week away. Every should start planning now. There will be at least one event at my school. It will be awesome.

October Award

In lieu of a printable, framable certificate, I have decided to have a stand in award that will hopefully hold Susan over until I can make a solid, worthy award certificate.

That being said, I decided to rename October in her honor. From now on, forever, it shall be known as Susan. For example, here is the Wikipedia page, new and improved:

Susan is the tenth month of the year in the Gregorian Calendar and one of seven Gregorian months with a length of 31 days. In the northern hemisphere, Susan is commonly associated with the season of autumn.

Susan begins in western tropical astrology with the sun in the sign of Libra and ends in the sign of Scorpio. Astronomically speaking, the sun actually begins in the constellation of Virgo and ends in the constellation of Libra.

In Latin, Susan means "eight," reflecting the fact that Susan was the eighth month in the Roman calendar.

Other names

• •In Czech, Susan is called říjen. The origin of this name is in the deer's belling in this month.
• •A traditional Dutch name for Susan is Wijnmaand ("wine month") because the first wines of the year have ripened.
• In Finnish, Susan is called lokakuu, meaning "month of dirt".
• In the old Japanese calendar, Susan was called Kannazuki (神無月? also pronounced Kaminazuki), literally meaning the godless month, due to an old belief that in that month, the gods gathered in one spot to discuss the affairs of the world. Thus, in that month, the gods were inaccessible. (It actually means, "month of the gods", however, as the "na" is actually a possessive particle and the 無 character is ateji.)
• In Latin, Susan is called Octubre, or VIIIber (where VIII is the Roman number 8, in Latin "octo"). The name is due to the fact that it was the 8th month in the early Julian calendar beginning in March.
• In Russian, Susan is called "Октябрь"
• In Scottish Gaelic, Susan is called an Damhar, meaning "rutting time" (of stags).
• In Turkish, Susan is called Ekim, meaning "sowing" because of the sowing of wheat.
• In Welsh, Susan is called "Hydref", meaning "autumn".
• Susan in the Northern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent to April in the Southern Hemisphere and vice versa.
• Susan's birthstone is the opal or tourmaline.
• Susan's flower is the calendula or cosmos.
• The month Susan has become famous as "Red Susan", due to the Russian Susan revolution of 1917, although in the modern Gregorian calendar, the revolution started in November.
• In the nineteenth century, the month of Susan was dedication to devotion to the rosary in Roman Catholic countries..

I think this has been enlightening for all of us. I also think, to avoid confusion we should all now call Susan Wijnmaand to make everything easier.

Congratulations, Susan.

October Life Lessons

So, I was exploring Nunchucks on Wikipedia, trying to settle a debate (Don't laugh. Nunchucks are serious.) and I discovered this section of the Nunchuck (Or Nunchaku entry): Freestyle

Freestyle nunchaku is a modern style of performance art using the nunchaku as a visual tool rather than as a weapon. With the growing prevalence of the Internet the availability of nunchaku has increased greatly, combining this with the popularity of YouTube and other video sharing sites many people have become interested in learning how to use the weapons for freestyle displays. Freestyle is one discipline of the competitions held by the World Nunchaku Association.

So... I decided... really? I know everything is on Youtube, but this I had to see. So here's what I discovered: a nunchaku tutorial.

God bless america.

Optional Schedule

This is an appology to all of my regular readers, although I saw two of the three of you this weekend, that I was on Fall break. I thought I would have computer access at home but this was not the case the time I tried to log in. My appologies. Will resume posting on Monday.

October's Second "This Week in Tools"

Or How I ended up saving Atlantic City.

Recently, I posted a story about the "Runaway Mayor" on my blog. See Here

So, after my rip-roaring exposé , the mayor came under increasing pressure to do something.

I'll be honest here... he sent hit men after me. I was able to fend them off using a variety of self defense techniques and classic slap stick maneuvers. Needless to say, pies were harmed in the making of this blog.

Anyway, after this botched coup on Something Clever, Atlantic City Mayor Robert Levy was forced to resign.

The only disappointing aspect in this debacle is that now that he has resigned, it clears the way for the City Council President William "Speedy" Marsh to assume the role of mayor. His name is "Speedy." I'm just saying Atlantic City should never be allowed to vote again. Ever.

October Awareness Award

So, my friend Susan was the first to notice something. While I won't give away what it is, I do want to present her with the First Ever October Awareness Award.

This award goes to those most aware of October, from the start of it, all the way to the end of it.

Congratualations Susan. Some day soon I'll have an award certificate for you, suitable for framing.

Oops, the mayor's a felon.

So, I came across this story this weekend:

Atlantic City mayor drops out of sight

Under federal investigation for embellishing his Army service in Vietnam, a groggy-sounding Mayor Robert Levy called in sick at City Hall, climbed into his city-issued Dodge Durango and seemingly dropped off the face of the Earth.

So, that was pretty entertaining. Apparently this guy called in sick and hasn't been heard of since. But the truly interesting part of this story is that the main reason he did it was because he was under investigation for lying about his service. And then the story continues into probably the most awesome part:

The mystery and the gathering scandal over Levy's military record have worried civic leaders in this seaside casino resort, which has a long history of corruption, with four of the last eight mayors busted on graft charges and one-third of last year's nine-member City Council in prison or under house arrest.

Half of the past mayor's and a third of the most recent city councilmen have been in trouble with the law. Hell, that makes Huckabee look like a saint.

Seriously, I am one for supporting democracy and all, but how many times do you strike out before just say, alright, that's enough?

Oops,

I was an accidental activist today. So, my friend Jan (Most people I call by initials, but hers are JEW, so that would be awkward) called me and asked me to go to something this after noon. I get horrible reception on my cell phone in my room. I couldn't quite make out what she was saying, but it sounded like something at a church, a mass or something. We were going to ride to our bikes there, and see what was going on.

We biked about ten minutes from campus to Proway's downtown. There we stopped in a park. After a minute of just sitting there, expecting some sort of communion or baptism or something, I asked "what are we doing?" Oh, this is where we're supposed to meet everyone, Jan said. (I should point out at this ... point that my friend MR was there as well. This was confusing because she is an atheist.)

Anyway, we waited for a few more minutes, and then another guy biked up, followed by three more bikers. (Bicycles, not motorcycles.)

It was at that point that I realised that the mass Jan had discussed was not new church mass but Critical mass.

Critical mass, as opposed to a church service where they shout at you and tell you you should have worn different shows with that belt or not been gay, is a biker rally designed to raise awareness for global issues, or just people who want more bike lanes. It kind of looks like this:



And that is the story of how I became an accidental activist.

October 25-31: Zombie Awareness Week

So, this just in: October 25-31 is National Zombie Awareness Week.

This blog will be featuring several "Zombie Reports," informational blogs about zombies and what to do in case of an outbreak.

This is just a heads up as a way to prepare, as campuses and cities across the country should prepare for NZAW (Pronounced In- Zah.)

Thank you, and have a nice day.

On China

I have a test tomorrow. It is about China. China is a large country that is screwing up my night. That is all I know about it, and is probably why I am spending time studying rather than writing a blog.

More tomorrow

oh no, what have I done!

I have an addition to "This Week in Tools." I was watching heroes tonight, trying to enjoy some entertainment and a nice glass of wine, when I realized I had been betrayed. I poured myself a glass of Cheeta wine. From this bottle:

See the cheeta?

Anyway, this wine, Sebeka, was a white chardonnay. And it tasted like ass. It should be called Sebetrayus.

Seriously, if you can't enjoy wine with a cheeta on it, what's the world coming to?

October's first This Week in tools

So, I've been a bit busy, so I've had my friend, Zombie Polar Bear, write some things for me for This Week in Tools. Here it is, unedited:


damnit, ZPB. This isn't craigslist, it's my blog. Is that all you have to say for yourself?

Oh, what will zombies think of next?

So, I went to see Resident Evil 3 last night, and I have some important notes for everyone interested.

1. Zombies like Sony Ericsons. Whatever those phones are, they can't get enough of them. I found a picture of the Ericson release, and it rivaled the iPhone.



They just can't get enough.

2. Zombies are awesome.

3. We need to keep our eye on Mars. In the movie, the entire world is turned into a desert, constantly referenced by zoom out shouts to make sure that you know that while they are in Las Vegas, its still a desert everywhere else too. Apartently when the world is a zombie, it looks like a desert. Anyone else know any desert planets?
Mars, I've got my eye one you. And while we're at it:


The moon. You know its just sitting there, wanting to eat our brains. We need to prepare.

4. Computers, regardless of how advanced their AI is, are still retarded. So, they locate Mila, the lead of the movie, and spot her by satelite. And the computer says "We've found her." "Where?" "In the desert." Way to narrow it down. Although, to be fair, no one questioned it.

5. A zombie infection must never reach Alaska. I'll give you three reasons: Zombie. Polar. Bears.


Yeah. This was only hinted at in the movie, an escape to Alaska, but damn. All they need to do is say "Zombie Bears," and I'm in.

Oh, BTW

The new me. FYI, JIC, LOL, TTYL

Obama

Now, I think its fair enough to say that I am an Obama fan. I donated to his campaign (which was my first ever political donation) and have advocated his canidacy since before he announced. That being said, I do have one problem:

Seriously? I mean... Seriously?

P.S: If someone wanted to buy me that shirt... I would wear it. Not the Che one. I may be a liberal middle-class college student... but I'm not tacky.

Schedule and Spelling

Two points:

1. I plan on updating the blog monday through friday at least once a day. It will probably come up around noon, and always by midnight. Saturday and Sundays will be surprises, but will most likely be prep for the week.

2. I can't spell. Mk, learn to deal.

3. I can't count.

4. The office premier(e) was super amazing. Dwight is far and away my favorite character now.

5. I shaved my head.

6. It's awesome.

7. Way more awesome than MK.

The Office Premier

So, The Office premiers tonight, and I am getting ready for it. I will post pictures later. Pictures of awesomeness. And pictures of me. (BTW, I'm going with the Dwight for now.)

Congress, 1, President, 0

So, I just wanted to bring this to everyone's attention: The Senate just attached a Hate Crimes Bill to the Pentagon spending bill. That's pretty much awesome, because Bush already looks kinda like a dick (and by kinda, I mean he does) for threatening a veto of it. Mainly, though, it means that if he wants to veto this bill really badly, he's going to have to veto the defense spending bill.

Touche, Senate. Touche.

"The defense authorization is about dealing with the challenges of terrorism overseas...This (bill) is about terrorism in our neighborhood," said Sen. Edward Kennedy ... the chief Democratic sponsor. "We want to fight terrorism here at home with all of our weapons." Full story.

I just want to say, when Kennedy isn't womanizing, drinking, or being pretty much an awful person, sometimes he sure can rock.

This Week in Tools, Week One

This week in tools is a special spotlight on a tool, one who has been making headlines for quite a few months already:

Freddie Thompson

Freddie “Fred” Thompson is running for the Republican nomination for president. While this alone pushes quite a few steps towards tooldom, Freddie is a special case. Why, you might ask, should Freddie Thompson be picked out from the vast red sea and picked apart in such a merciless fashion?

Simply put, he’s ruining America.

I can already hear the chorus of Freddie fans screaming out! “No, he’s a very qualified candidate. He was in the Senate for eight years! He worked on Watergate! He’s been a district attorney since 2002.”

These are legitimate claims. And true, he does have experience in the Senate, but according to pundits his time there was spent mainly goofing off and not doing jack shit. He didn’t do anything.

True, there have been many boozing losers in the Senate (Ted Kennedy, anyone?) but most of them tended to get a lot of stuff done while being blitzed out of their mind and fondling young girls (Ted Kennedy, anyone?). I don’t think Thompson even tried.

Now, I do have a list of concerns I have with Freddie boy, and here they are:

1. His resume reads like a conservative play book. Seriously, this guy has done nothing but kiss party ass for years. I’m not going to beat around the bush (get it?) here and say that I’m bipartisan or any other crap. I am liberal on most issues, and definitely on the ones that matter to me. That said, I can respect some Republicans and conservatives, but the problem I have with Freddie is that his conservativeness comes out only when he’s positioning himself for a run. He is shallow and see through.

2. He left the senate to act in Law and Order. Does anyone still even watch Law and Order?

3. He’s convinced people he’s a legitimate choice for a presidential nominee. No offense meant, (Actually, screw you Freddie) but your at best tepid work in the government for the past few years pretty much sucks.

4. He was a lobbyist. Now, I’m sure at some point I’ll have some sort of rant on lobbyists, so I don’t want to steal my own thunder, but lobbyists rank just slightly above cockroaches in the hierarchy of life. Would you elect a cockroach to be president? No, you wouldn’t.

Anyway, that wraps up my spotlight on Freddie, but I do have an honorable mention or two to hand out this week.

First up:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad is the current President of Iran. This week he was giving a speech at Columbia, followed by a speech at the U.N. Besides saying that the Holocaust is just a theory, he also said:

In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country.

Thanks, Ahmadinejad. Luckily, the Pentagon has just the bomb for your country: The Gay Bomb.

To be fair, Ahmadinejad did call President Bush retarded, so he’s not a total tool. Just almost. (Note to Bush: If someone like Ahmadinejad is calling you retarded, you may want to seek professional help. Or else just shove him and say "Nu-uh. You smell!" because that is what diplomacy has apparently devolved into these days.)

Second this week:

Heroes

I quite enjoy heroes. I watched the first season, and was there for the premier this week, but I do have one thing to say:

“Ohmigod, I get the ROGUE!”

Now, product placement has been bad with Heroes in the past (I’m looking at you, Hiro Nakamora) but this was over the top. It was almost as bad as the “Where’d you get that shredder?” “Staples.” Exchange in last season’s the Office. The difference is that the Office than followed it up with a great joke riffing on their own product placement. Heroes followed it up with two solid minutes of Nissan Rogue commercials.

Well, that’s it for This Week in Tools. Let me know what you think, and this series will be back next Wednesday, before midnight.

New Series: Coming Tomorrow

I’m starting a new series, entitled “This Week in Tools.” It will be posted every Wednesday by midnight. I will re-cap the week and have some new tool news for everyone. I may also do a spotlight on a special tool, a tool dear to my heart.

Two Tickets to the Gun Show

One morning recently after a long sleep, I woke up. I tend to do this after sleeping; it comes naturally to me. Upon waking, I went to the bathroom and began to go about the business most people tend to while in the W.C. Standing there in front of the urinal I had a brilliant bathroom epiphany: I had figured out gun control.

Gun control is a touchy issue with me and I really have to take aim and let loose with my own personal opinions. I should explain: in my house I have one gun, and it only shoots little plastic pellets to keep squirrels away. (I hate squirrels.) Between my father, my brother, and me, we only have that one gun, a replica Braveheart sword, and a Samaria sword that couldn’t cut butter. Maybe warm butter, but that’s pushing it. The only gun show I’ve been to is the kind where I roll up my sleeves and then girls laugh at me because I don’t have any muscles and my arms are pasty.

Not only do I not have any guns in my house, guns scare me. I fired a shotgun when I was eleven and it kicked so hard I got a bruise. The next time I fired a shotgun I was seventeen and I had to for a competition at church camp. They made me… at church camp. I fired a twenty two every once in a while. I understand that numbers mean something, but I really don’t have a clue what that is except that a twenty two isn’t really good for anything besides being divided by eleven and two. I really didn’t even like shooting the twenty two.

I’ve never been hunting. I think that it would be a good experience, but I don’t know if I could actually kill something. Well, I think I could kill a duck. Quack. Deer would be another matter.

My ‘hood is anything but. I might be the scariest person in my neighborhood, sporting my Mohawk and eyebrow ring. We’ve never been robbed (dang it, I might have just jinxed it there) but the biggest crime happening around here is going 40 in a 25. All this is to say my Braveheart sword is going to deter crime as much as keeping a pistol around would.

I have no need or want for a firearm in my house. I don’t want to go all secret agent and get a permit to conceal and carry. I don’t want to be packing. I don’t need to have a gun.

Gun control does not affect me.

“Amendment II: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” That is in the Bill of Rights, right after freedom of speech and religion and right before quartering a soldier in a house. It is antique and vague and is included by a group of people who had slaves and possibly used ‘thou’ in everyday conversation. I can’t prove that, but that’s was the case in The Patriot and I trust Mel Gibson.

This broken English passage is the basis for one of the continuing debates in the country, one that might not draw as big of crowds as gay marriage or abortion but has consistently been an issue in almost every election across the country.

Man, the Bill of Rights. That’s huge. The rest of the constitution only got the thumbs up on the assurance that the Bill of Rights would be passed. The framers of the constitution saw these ten amendments as extremely necessary to the newly formed country. Maybe they could have cleaned up their grammar a little bit.

Guns kill people. Millions of people have died because of guns. The Civil War, lots of people got shot then. The World Wars, not a ton of Americans got shot then, but a lot of Europeans did. The last five hundred years have been filled with wars that people killed people with guns.

Sure, people killed people before guns, they could just do it in greater numbers. It has been the strive of civilization to invent new ways to kill the barbarians. The Greeks were smart and had that democracy thing going on, but that only came about because they were the best warriors in the world for almost a millennium. (Seriously, the Greek middle class came about because the only people who could be soldiers were those that could afford the shield and spear, and since the rulers were asking them to die, they said “Hold up, we want a say in this.” And democracy was birthed into the world on the end of a spear.)

Okay, so guns just let people kill more people. Luckily death and democracy go hand in hand. There still is all of the problems of school shootings, and the center piece of that anti-gun battle cry is Columbine. Seven years ago, two boys killed fifteen people in a school in Colorado. Across the country there are around 10,000 gun murders a year.[1] Guns enable people to kill other people. But are guns really the source of human murder? Is there a place where we could find evidence that murders were prevalent before the invention of guns? What about, I don’t know, the Bible? Let’s flip it open and see if there’s anything in there about murder. What’s this? Genesis? Cain and Abel? The first story of three major religions after humans leave a perfect place is about murder. (If we want to hop back to the Greeks for a moment, Socrates told a story about Oedipus who rose to fame for something other than murdering his father, but that was a decent part of the story as well.) I guess what I am trying to say here is that murder had been a prominent fixture of human life long before guns were invented.

Alright, so, murder happens anyway. Kind of like war. Guns help, but controlling them wouldn’t really change anything. People will find a way to kill each other. It is a common theme of human existence.

But the founders knew that people would use guns to kill people, but why on earth would they keep guns in the hands of the common people. Jefferson, Madison, Hamilton, they all hated the common people. They felt the vulgarity of the commoners could not be trusted.

But in light of this knowledge, nay, in spite of this they still elected to have guns in the hands of these people. Why?

“A well regulated militia,” it begins. This phrase is could be taken multiple ways. A militia in current times leads the mind to picture a group of men hunting through the Minnesotan wilderness with semiautomatics. At the time a militia could have meant a state militia manned by local levies controlled by the state government. I wanted to look up how the word was used back then, but as my last name is not Scalia, I don’t keep an 1789 Webster’s near by, nor do I have a time machine so I could go back and ask the actual Webster what it means.

“Being necessary to the security of a free state,” it continues, and this does shed some light on the first clause. The militia is necessary to the free state, implying that the well regulated part comes from the state training and running the militia. This makes the militia a de facto army. The first two clauses of the amendment are designed to describe the fact that any state in existence needs an army to defend itself and maintain its freedom. The framers understood that specifically the United States would need to maintain a standing force to insure that Britain or another European power would not be able to conquer the U.S.

“The right of the people to keep and bear arms,” is the third clause of this complex sentence. This refers to “the people” that permeate the constitution. These people are the citizens of the U.S. The clause describes a right. The preposition states it is of the people (the citizens) and the right is “to keep and bear arms.” This clause describes what the right is. It has a series (keep and bear) and so it separates the next clause to connect to the right.

“Shall not be infringed.” The right shall not be infringed. This is opposed to the army described by the first two clauses. It could be simplified as such: Because of the military, which we have to have to keep those crazy Brits out, the right to keep a Glock next to the bed shall not be hampered by the government. Okay, that wasn’t simplified, but the main point is that the country needs a military, and thus the people need to be armed.

The people, the citizens of the U.S., need to be armed. The framers wanted guns in the hand of the people to keep freedom around. This was because without the guns that the colonies had had on hand, they would have been at the mercy of the British. The framers wanted to insure that the government would always fear the governed.

Jefferson wanted a revolution every twenty years. Every generation. We have failed. And we’ve lost the reason behind second amendment. Charlton Heston had the right idea when he shouted “From my cold dead hands!” at the NRA convention. Maybe he was misguided but we should always fear the government when it attempts to take away the right to keep a gun.

I could imagine a situation where the common people would need to rise as one to defeat a controlling government. A world much like 1984 is the fear a lot of people have, but that is much too late for any armed resistance. I guess we really need to be wary, and possibly take action when one group controls the Presidency, the Congress, and the Supreme court, and is clearly abusing that power. We would really need to be on the look out if they started to subtly take away civil liberties. The problem is that people might not notice this situation if it happened slowly over ten years or so.

The current state of things a revolution is not needed. As a country we are doing fairly well and while the government is infringing on liberties a little, the time has not come for a revolution. But we aren’t far from that step. But if every person was armed and willing to do something then any president would think twice before making a move on our liberties.

We are the final check on the government.

I don’t own a gun, but maybe it is my civic duty to keep one around. Not to deter a criminal, but to remind the president that I am not at the mercy of the government but the government is at the mercy of me.

---

[1] I’m just guessing here, but it sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

My New Haircut

So, I think it's about time for me to be getting a haircut. I did get one about six weeks ago, but the shag is slowly reclaiming its dominance over my scalp and the time has come to put it in its place.

I have a few options, which I will put here for everyone to view. (Don't be alarmed, ladies, my hair hasn't been cleaved from me yet. I know this image is convincing, but it's just special computerized graphics, like they use in hollywood.)

Option one: The Old Stand-By. This is the one from the days of old. I go into Proway's local Sports Clips and ask Susie, my long time sports friendly stylist to make it shorter all around. She then attacks my head with clippers, occasionally hitting my chin area as well. I emerge with a clean cut head that lasts until a shower, and then that shit goes wild again.

Option two: The Complete Shave. In this haircut I would have one of my many friends, of which I have many, shave my head. I would then shave my beard and 'stache and be completely clean shorn.

Option three: The 'Hawk. I've done it before, but the ridiculously colored mohawk is another of my options.

Option four: Mullet. Business in the front, party in the back. I'm pretty sure this one speaks for itself. Also, I can get into way more dirt racing conventions. While I've never been turned down, it is a great fear of mine to be shunned while attempting to enjoy a good ole dirt bike rally. This would merely be an innsurance policy against such a tragic event.

Option five: The Ceaser. Ringlets of bronzed hair circling my bared scalp. The main problem is that as my favorite past time is a board game centered on betrayal I would soon be saying "Et tu, Dan?"

Option six: The Manly Man. This haircut, sporting trendy side burns and a come hither goatee would be devestating to the female population of Morrison College. I fear that this hair style should never see the light of day 'top my brow.

Option seven: The bleach blond(e). The basic premise of this hair cut is that I would dip my head into some noxious brew and hope for some sort of super special power. I would be willing to risk turning into a super villian; its the chance some people have to take. Also, I'd like to appoligize for the picture: it was an off day that time, and I didn't have enough make up to hide that horrid zit. Please do not look at it.

Option the Dwight: The Dwight. This would be my homage to Dwight Schrute, pretty much the greatest man alive, bar none. It is not exclusive, as I could move on to all but option one after recieving the Dwight, so I may do it anyway. You comments on this pressing matter are deeply appreciated.

Something Clever This Way Comes

So, I guess this is where I start off my uber-clever blog post. I don't really know why I created this, to be perfectly honest. I guess I can just start with who I am.

I'm me.

I go to college.

I have an animatronic robot pirate skeleton roommate named Skelly. Currently he is dressed like Jim in preperation for the Office Premier which happens Thursday.

I am majoring in Politics with an emphasis in bullshitting. (Can I curse on here? Is that kosher?)

I like to put spaces inbetween thoughts when I write. This aids in people reading it, although I am probably being way too forward in using any sort of plural noun there.

I write plays, short stories, screenplays, and other sorts of creative fiction and non-fiction, but not poetry. Fuck poetry.

I'm really regretting putting that "I'm me." at the start of this description. I think its kind of lame.

This really isn't that funny, is it? Well, I don't know exactly what I'm planning on putting on here, but hopefully essays or commentaries. I know I have a couple I'll put up here from my various writings and such.

Maybe I'll put my The Santa Clause Cometh play on here. We'll see how this goes. Also, I do plan on putting some cartoons / comics on here once I have the chance. Like things I make. With my own two hands. Or Microsoft paint. 'Cause that's whats available.

My playwriting teacher tells me that openings are hard. They are slow, difficult, and tend to need to be rewritten. Consider this my opening, and its just a slow build... that kinda sucks.